Now I know y’all are reading the title like, no she didn’t, but before you cast your wicked comments with your, “these hoes ain’t loyal” foolishness, let me state my case!

In high school, I was such an advocate for relationships and staying faithful but unfortunately  couldn’t keep a man of my own. I was either being referred to as, “Can’t Keep a Man Chyna” or “Playa Playa.”

Sure, there were a few guys I was interested in. I may have sent a few notes confessing my love, but when it came to verbal communication…I clammed up and lost all sense of who I was. All the guys I “dated” in High School liked me, but always made it known that I was weird as hell. What can I say? God knew what he was doing with this one, am I right? Transitioning from High School to College was a huge change. When I was younger, my Godmother clocked my every move like inspector gadget. College was all about me being on my own. Every decision was solely on me. Jesus… what did I get myself into? Turn Up!

My second semester I found myself in a relationship with a woman. Two months in, I was planning to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t know if I was naive or if I was just looking for love. A love that I didn’t think existed. A love that didn’t come with a price, and could actually be unconditional.  I was smitten but I wasn’t done living. Done living? I hadn’t even started my journey in this thing called life, but I stayed. I was a coward and did more damage by staying than if I had actually left. In my mind, I thought nobody would ever love me like she did. I didn’t want to hurt her because she needed me and I loved her. My first girlfriend was the only relationship I had in college , along with an array of situationships. I sold a lot of dreams, told many lies, deleted text messages, changed ringtones and with all of this, I had the nerve  to feel guilty.

I cheated but I always told on myself. To me, that was honest and that honesty would save our love.  My truths were meant to fix and heal but things could never be the same. We were the definition of trust issues and toxic love. Our relationship could have made one hell of a lifetime movie.

At the time, I thought that exposing my secrets and unfaithful ways was because I loved her so much, but when I self-reflect today I was selfishly telling on myself to clear my own guilty conscious. I knew that telling would help my sleepless nights, or any tracks I had to cover to make sure she didn’t find out about my transgressions.I truly believed that if you love someone, you wouldn’t cheat on them, ever. No matter what forbidden fruit was dangling in your face you would hold down your partner. If that was the case, what was my excuse?

When we ended, I quickly ended up with another woman out of pure boredom. Which is a terrible thing to say, but I have a tendency to have my eye set on a particular thing, and if I want it I normally get it. Poor baby didn’t stand a chance. She was a sweet girl, but definitely not the one for me, but I made her and I believe that there was a chance for our newfound love. That what we had was rare, and who were we to deny ourselves of such fate? While I was dating her I damn near had two almost relationships on the side. I really wasn’t trying to be a heart breaker, but I wanted love and I guess auditioning more at once would never leave me in a predicament to be alone fully. I would always find myself saying that “I wasn’t scared to be alone”. In my defense I honestly didn’t know if I was afraid to be alone because I never gave myself the opportunity to see what alone felt like. There was always someone new, or someone from the past that could occupy my time.

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